Tuesday, September 27, 2005
i'm so sick of sch n everything. haf started to skip tutorials here n there recently cos i reallyreally just dun feel lyk going for them. it's lyk i'v lost all motivation to study n coming to sch is just pure torture. had a v nice wkend den monday sucked cos there's sch. tues i'v got no lessons n i went back nj to play badminton n tabletennis with dear n went for a movie at night. THEN, on the way back to hostel, i felt so sian i just wanted to die. came back hostel moodily n stoned the time away, feeling horribly miserable. did God create us to let us suffer? after all, Jesus came along just to suffer n deliver us from our sins. but sins r committed everyday n every part of the world, so who's suffering for us now? ourselves i guess..
i dun wan to b dis way but sumhow it's lyk sth depressing is inborn in me n i cldnt help thinking dat i'm not the same as most others. living in hall with ry has confirmed dat further. i'm perpetually feeling sian abt things, moody, grumpy, depressed, stressed, lethargic n sad while she's almost always up n about, laughing, n just more or less opposite from me. there'r times when i feel dat i actually enjoy making myself feel miserable. it seems lyk dis terrible feeling is incubating in me, waiting for a time to overcome me with this shitified feeling every now n then. dat's probably the best explanation as to y sumtimes i just suddenly plunge into a deep dark hole where no1 can get me to come out. mayb life isnt as bad as wad i think it is, but the 2 words "LIFE SUX" has become such an integrated part of my life dat i really just think dat life sux.
sumtimes i feel i cant take it anymore n for some reason, "death is salvation" just keeps resounding in my head. it sounds so right n yet so wrong dat i dun even noe if there's such a saying or i just made it up myself. anw i wonder if ppl dun commit suicide cos they'r afraid of pain n afraid of wad comes after death. wld u go to Hell? wad if life after death is worse than life b4 death? i think dat's wad frightens me the most. i cant imagine being a in place worse than earth. sure, there r pple n things dat do make life a wee bit better than it wld otherwise b without them, but r they worth suffering from all the other things in life? i'm doubtful. wldnt it b nice to live sumwhere where no1 noes u, u dun hafta do anything u dun wan to, n u dun hafta care abt anything in the world?
i noe i'm luckier than alot of ppl who have no food, no shelter, or even those who lost their family n frens.. but it doesnt make me feel better. it just makes me more sad to noe dat there r such pple who r living in such conditions, even more so confirm my belief that life truly is abt suffering. if God exists, i wish He'll give me a sign or sth. point me in the right direction! i'm completely lost n aimless in life. i dun nid to b rich, i dun nid to b famous, i dun nid to b smart, i dun nid anything as long as i can b happy! but i am not n i dunno how to b. i nid to b led n shown the way. if there's no right direction, den God, pls make every1 4get me n den take me away. just dun put me in Hell.
random thoughts at 6:06:00 PM
